Max’s Onion headlines Vol. 1 (featuring an origin story!)

Thanks to a life-changing—and I don’t throw that term around lightly—turn of events in my third year at McGill University, I became involved with a project that was just starting out called The McTavish Radish. A good friend of mine, who had come up with the idea to launch the Radish, came to me and said that he had been working on a fake news broadcast that would satirize the McGill community, and that he wanted me to help come up with funny headlines that could be used to hype up the video’s release.

Around that time, the word ‘headlines’ would have come to mind far more quickly than the word ‘funny’ when people thought of me. It was late March and I had spent the entire school year working as the Arts & Entertainment editor at one of my school’s papers, a position that I really enjoyed, and one that would presumably represent my greatest McGill achievement (it’s not like my 3.25 GPA was turning any heads). However, after I got recruited to the Radish squad, something just clicked. Within a few hours, I was tossing out a whole newspaper’s worth of fuego headline possibilities into the Facebook thread between me and the rest of the comic think tank, and the wheels were in motion.

While the others mostly lost interest in the headline manufacturing after we had met (vastly exceeded) our hype objective, I was hooked. The Onion became my bible and I dedicated my senior year to pumping out as many on point fake headlines and articles as I could. I wasn’t keeping tabs or anything, but a comprehensive study of what was going through my brain last year would most definitely reveal that Radish > school (somehow the editor job made up the third part of that ridiculous mental balancing act).

Now that I’ve graduated and have moved on to bigger and better things no longer spend my days carefully observing the McGill community for comedic fodder, there’s a massive satirical void in my life. I still contribute to the Radish, but it’s not quite the same when you’re 541 km away from campus. So, until The Onion answers my prayers and hires me, posting headlines in their style and tone on this website will serve my new fake news outlet.

It’s press time, here’s volume one.

Man just assumed Turkish Delight was sex position

High school senior saves up one month’s allowance for promposal

Untouched wedding gift being fought over in divorce settlement

Soulmate downgraded to significant other

Wax museum rebrands as abstract art museum after massive fire

Cynical Catholic woman saving self until second mmarriage

Man ushers in final phase of life with purchase of Velcro shoes

Child disappointed to find out mom didn’t travel far enough this weekend to bring back present

Web developer parents raising child to speak HTML as first language

Backseat driver uses road criticism to segue into general criticism of driver

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2 thoughts on “Max’s Onion headlines Vol. 1 (featuring an origin story!)

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