Max’s Onion headlines Vol. 2

Well, as the kids say, ‘it’s been a minute’ since I posted one of these. But going forward, I definitely plan to be more on top of my Onion headline game. Here’s what I’ve been sitting on recently:

Adulterous wife caught red-handed with UPS guy when gardener shows up

NFL passes new rule protecting defenseless quarterbacks from vicious media scrutiny

New Year’s resolution to be less jealous ruined by friend’s way better resolution

Interior designer believes God created universe with an open-concept plan in mind

Old wealthy man peer pressured into drinking scotch, acting like he enjoys it

Supreme Court justice rules in favour of judging book by cover

Guitar teacher thinks star pupil might have what it takes to be neighbourhood’s next underachieving middle-aged instructor

Fantasy Football commissioner thinking of moving annoying league participant to Los Angeles

Drug lover developping recreational EDM habit

CEO of massive corporation grooming son to take over other families’ businesses

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