Max’s Onion headlines Vol. 3

Area man resolves to get off ass and do some of 2004’s Spring Cleaning this weekend

Woman hoarding vacation days for something special finally snaps and uses them all on epic bender

Teenage boy starting to take extra-long showers after discovering hygiene

Novelty wearing off of Original Sin for longtime churchgoer

World’s secret societies increasingly worried they may be subject of next Dan Brown novel

Man discovers the hard way that benefit of the doubt not part of company’s benefits package

Girl lobbies mom for stricter ‘Shotgun’ control laws after getting continually screwed by younger brother

Dental hygienist takes advantage of therapist patient by venting problems during routine cleaning

Man who’s been sitting on couch watching March Madness for last three days chastises player’s lack of hustle

Unstable, obnoxious, attention-seeking woman deemed highly employable by reality show producers

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